Ain't it satisfactory?

It is entirely possible that I have spent too much time over the past week looking at old missionary magazines and Christian newspapers for early-20th-century youth. But who could resist these jokes? Note that 80% of the humor comes from funny dialects and 20% comes from horrible puns. Spacebeer Industries is not responsible for offending any Scotsmen or Christian Scientists. Headlines and jokes transcribed in all their glory:

[From Onward, a weekly illustrated paper for young people.]

(from 1911)

Mummies the Word
"What's in here?" asked the tourist.

"Remains to be seen," responded the guide, as he led the way into the mummy-room.

A Countermand
A man is said to have written to a certain mail order house, on a postal card, as follows:

Dere Surs – I see yore advertisement. I wisht you would send me as soon as possebul yore caterlog of Elecktrical Goods, and Oblige. / Yours Truly, _______ / P. S. Never mine – you needen send it. I have changed my mine.

Crazy Ticket Agent
Clancy – Oi'm after a ticket ter Chicago.

Ticket Agent – Do you want an excursion Ticket? One that will take you there and back?

Clancy – What's the since of me payin' ter go there an' back when I'm here alriddy?

Keeping Tab on the Dentist
A Scotchman at the dentist's was told that he must take gas. While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his money.

The dentist said, somewhat testily, "You need not pay until the tooth is out."

"I ken that," said the Scotchman, "but as y're aboot to mak me sleep I jist want to see hoo I stand."

And No Longer
The long young person had just submitted his manuscript to the editor.

"Do you think I can get by with it?" he asked.

"Yes," said the editor after a long pause. "It's all right, as long as it is against the law to hit a man with a baseball bat.

(from 1913)

Couldn't Fool Fido
"Mamma, I just now fell down stairs and hit every stop all the way down!" exclaimed little Mary, who attends the Christian Science Sunday-school.

"Did you hurt yourself, dear?"

"No, mamma; I kept saying, 'Truth, truth, truth!' every step I hit, and I didn't hurt myself a bit. But I had Fido in my arms when I fell, and I think he is pretty badly hurt."

"What makes you think so, dear?"

"Why, every step we hit he yelled, 'Error, error, error!'"

He "Did" Them
"Did you hear about the defacement of Skinner's Tombstone?"

"No; what was it?"

"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph."

"What was the epitaph?"

"'He did his best.'"

Goods back, Money refunded
Guide (before statue in museum) – "This piece of work that you are now looking at goes back to Praxiteles."

Visitor – "What's the matter? Ain't it satisfactory?